To say I live my life in the fast lane would be an understatement; I’m never settled. In fact, the whole concept of settled makes me whince. There’s something about ‘settled’ which makes me feel uncomfortable – almost as though if I ever stopped, I’d probably never start again!
This ridiculous trait can be handy – always being on the go means I never have time to feel bored, to dwell or wallow. Even when my body is still, my mind makes up for the lack of physical action.
I’m alright with this! I mean, it’s just the way I was wired…to work hard, to get stuff done. My Husband doesn’t share my love of the fast life. He wants to take things slow, spend time relaxing. It’s just as well really, he manages to bring me to a halt, calm me down when I’m at risk of taking off. He levels the pace, helps me deal with the collateral my flighty life can cause.
My need to be speedy about things has become a running joke in our household. In one respect, I’m incredibly laid back (mainly about the things I should apply some urgency to) but I’m also manic, unable to sit still. Put it this way – I don’t waste time!
This was also apparent in the way I chose to have my children. Most couples still spend many a married year planning to have children, they prioritise saving, getting their affairs in order (this one I kind of did right!)When they’re blessed with their firstborn, they spend time as a unit. United by the love of their offspring.
Me? I dove straight into having another!
There’s awkwardly 9 months and 3 days between my Son and Daughter and I’m yet to tell anyone this without flooring them with disbelief. It appears to be rather socially unacceptable to have such a small age gap between the two – I mean, they were born within the same year. It’s an alien concept to most to have children so close together. As mentioned previously, most parents wish to savour time with their first.
I get that! In truth, having two so closely wasn’t how I planned to do things. It is, however, completely in-fitting with the way in which I run my life. That quick pace, inablitly to slow down! If I’d chosen how my life would pan out, I’d wish for at least two years between siblings – an acceptable timescale! That wasn’t how life was meant to be though, not my life! That would be too leisurely for my liking.
Having two so close in age is testing! This currently seems so intensified as we have a Daughter in the midst of the ‘Terrible Twos’ and a Son sulking into the ‘Terrifying Threes’! Between tantrums and taunts, we have sulks and sobs…we have anger and aggression, frustration and fury. There are days I just can’t wait to be over, for my children to sleep so I can slop in a heap.
On that note, we do little sleeping these days. We seem to have a system at the moment not too dissimilar to that loveable fairground game where you hit one frog with the hammer only for another to jump up. As we settle Tristan, Siena stirs…we settle Siena, Tristan returns! It’s like a battle to see who can sleep deprive us the most (my Son is currently winning). It’s tiring and waring…and emotionally draining!
Having two so close together means we’ve been through the stage where both children were unable to communicate their emotions effectively, where they were both unable to comprehend their feelings or deal with them in any sort of reasoned way.
We had two to carry, to rock to sleep!
At the time, I remember feeling so desperate for my children to grow, to reach a point where life seemed easier, less of a hassle. Right now, I look back and mourn the moments I didn’t grasp!
Having two so close together means I missed out on all that savouring with my first. Most of Tristan’s first year was spent suffering with horrific morning sickness which lasted until the day I gave birth prematurely to my Daughter at 31 weeks. The latter part of his first year was spent in hospitals visiting his sister, in strange beds sleeping not in the arms of his Mother. I missed out!
That’s why I get it – wanting to take your time. There are moments I feel so incredibly sad for Tristan, as though I deprived him of the love and affection all nine month old children rightfully deserve. His time was divided, his attention and affection divided.
Then, there are moments like this morning whilst I lay in bed watching my two children play so heartily with each other on our landing. Tristan took the lead, showing his younger sister what needed to be done. She was transfixed, happy to oblige…loving the bond the two clearly feel together.
In plain, I wouldn’t change my life in an instant. The challenges and the tests are all just in their gameplan, the grand scheme will see brighter days for us as our two grow together…so beautifully. The tantrums and taunts, sobs and sulks all seem so worth it when I see how happy they can be together, how happy they will be once they learn to manage their emotions more maturely.
So for now, I’ll overdose on strong coffee, sugary drinks and focus on getting through one terrible and terrifying day at a time…and let my manic approach to life lend many distractions.