I’m Just Waiting For You to Need Me

You had a nightmare last night. Woke up screaming at 2am. For a while, you were inconsolable, obviously still affected by the images haunting your dreams.

I thought you’d want your Daddy so I sent him to calm you. You always want your Daddy.

This time was different, it was my name you chanted when you saw him enter your room. Daddy wouldn’t do, you needed your Mother’s touch.

I scooped you up and you instantly wrapped your arms around my neck, allowed your legs to coil around my waist and nuzzled your head into my neck.

I held you as you sobbed loudly and erratically. I rocked you and reassured you that everything would be alright. I took you to my bed and held your body until you were completely soothed. Then, I lay with you until you fell back to sleep.

The feeling was bittersweet.

Partly, I felt saddened by your distress. It broke my heart to see you hurting, to watch you cry with fear in your eyes. Yet, partly I felt happy.

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For so long, I’ve worried about our bond. It’s never me you crave, never me you look for. Since Siena was born, I worry that you’ve learnt to take comfort in others first. I’ve anxiously wondered whether you became accustomed to my negligence, if you learnt to turn to others when Mammy couldn’t be there for you.

I never want you to feel that way. That, in itself, breaks my heart more that anything else ever could. I’ll always be there for you and I’ll always love you unconditionally.

When Siena was born, her prematurity and illness meant her needs were momentarily greater than yours. I tried my very best to make sure you didn’t notice. But I guess you did.

Before she arrived, we were so close. I was your comforter, your entertainer, your best friend. I was yours. You loved me and I knew it, I felt it in those delicate moments we shared. Your cottage pie kisses were gentle and tender. Your cuddles were long and generous.

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Now, I wonder whether you feel differently about me.

It’s no longer me you cry for. It’s no longer me you turn to for comfort or for fun. I sense the disappointment when it’s me you get and not your Dad.

I don’t know how to fix the distance between us. I look at other women with their sons and cry that our bond isn’t the same. I love you insanely and want you to be aware of that.

It breaks my heart when you push me away, when you cry because your Daddy has left and you’re stuck with me. When I ask you for a kiss and you turn your head, when I try to cuddle you but you kick away.

I wonder if you’re angry with me, if you feel as though your love wasn’t enough? It was baby. It would have always been enough. Your love could move mountains. Your love taught me what love actually was.

Once Siena arrived, I made special effort to still do things together. Your Art class was meant to be an opportunity for us to still do fun things together, our Monday’s were also Mother and Son fun days. Then I returned to work and the gulf between us intensified.

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So, tonight, as you cried, I selfishly took comfort in your neediness. You cried for me and that meant the world.

As you grow, I hope our bond does too. I want you to know that I’ll always be the person there for you first. I’ll listen to your problems, wipe away your tears and always care about your hopes and dreams. I’ll hold your hand through hardships and celebrations. I’ll kiss your scraped knees and mend your hurts. I’ll always be ready to comfort you.

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I’m just waiting for you to need me.

The Twinkle Diaries
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You Taught Me Love

I was always one of those women who, if asked whether they wanted children, would say ‘No’. At the time, I think I meant it.
I was happy with my life. I was happy being irresponsible. That’s always been my problem. For all I’m nearly 30, I’m still a little girl. I still cry when I don’t get my own way, still throw tantrums when things don’t go to plan, still can’t make it through a day without cocking something up. Making a mess of my own life though, well that’s acceptable but making a mess of someone else’s, just wouldn’t have been fair.
For all I’d felt that way long after my 27th Birthday, as soon as I saw the positive test result, I knew I loved you. It was magnetic, instinctive and scared the life out of me. I’d never expected to feel that way.
As you grew inside me, my love for you also grew. I couldn’t control how strongly I felt for you. It would make me cry just to fear my life without you.
My favourite moments are, and always will be, the first time I saw you, heard your heartbeat, felt you from within and held you in my arms. Nothing will ever make me forget the strong sense of emotion I experienced at all of these times. When I think of them, I feel it all over again.
That same emotion though, I feel it every day. It starts in the morning, when you wake me with my call. For all I want to rush to you, I lie in bed and take a second to soak it all in. You’re my baby and hearing you call out to me, your ‘mama’ is my favourite noise. I feel it when I first see your face, you’ll flash a goofy toothy smile in my direction and my heart melts a little. I feel it when you blow kisses in my direction or plant a drooly one straight on my lips. I feel it when you rest your head on my shoulder and snuggle tightly into my arms. I feel it while I watch you play with your toys, when you flap your arms and try to dance to Disney songs and when you giggle uncontrollably as I tickle you. From the moment I wake until the moment I sleep, I feel that way for you.
It’s a love I know you’ll never fully comprehend until you have children of your own. It’s a love I never fully comprehended until I had children of my own. I thought I knew what love was but trust me when I say, the love I feel for you is stronger than any feeling humanly possible. That’s why I know, you taught me Love.
Before you arrived, I loved your father. In all his flaws and in all his imperfections, I’d found my soul mate and loved him with all my heart. After you arrived, I realised that I’d only loved him with 50% of it. You came along and taught me love. Now I look at him, he’s your ‘Dadda’ and the best one he could possibly be. I watch him play with you and his juvenility makes me bubble with love. I watch him bath you, put you to bed and his gentleness makes my heart splutter with love.
Before you arrived, I loved my life. I was selfish and spontaneous. I was carefree and did as I pleased. After you arrived, I realised that my life had been empty. You came along and taught me how to live. My life is a million miles away from the one I lived before but I’d definitely say it’s a million times happier. Joy lives in every crease of my skin. When things get tough (as
they often do) I don’t dwell on the negatives because I know they’ll be short lived. Soon, you’ll be an adult, a man and I will look back and plead with God to have my little boy back just for one squidgy, cottage pie covered kiss.
I hope that one day, you’ll know how I feel. I hope that one day, you feel the same for your children. I hope that, in those moments, when they teach you love, you remember that you taught me too. You’re my special boy, my Prince Charming, the love of my life.