Still As One

IMG_2724Today is our 5th Wedding Anniversary – and it’s probably been our most trying year yet – but here we are, still as one, still honouring our vows.

Nobody ever said marriage would be easy, everyone said we’d have mountains to climb, problems to conquer. Being the person I am, I’m too quick to focus on the negatives (so I’m going to get them out of the way very quickly) but not today. Today I know you love me.

Wow, this last year has been hard. We’ve been faced with dilemmas we never anticipated, hardships we could never have dreamed of. I’ll start with the obvious. We never once processed the idea that our little girl could arrive so early, we never considered that she’d be so poorly to begin. Most couples might pull together in times like this, of course we didn’t. We pulled against each other, we bottled our emotions, our sadness and our anger and took them out on each other. We were so strong when with others yet crumbled around each other. We were so full of positive energy when with others but full of self pity when with each other. There were times when Siena was in hospital when I thought our relationship would never survive it. We we both so close to walking, we both craved the easy option – but here we are, still as one, still honouring our vows.

Then Siena came home and we were faced with a completely different challenge – life with two babies! Before Siena, we found time for each other. We even found time four ourselves! With two babies, separate time just seemed a distant memory. When she was so young, it was definitely turmoil. Yet now she’s 8 months and we’re starting to regain the time we lost. Our lives might be incredibly busy – but here we are, still as one, still honouring our vows.

As I said earlier, it’s easy to focus on the negatives but this last year has also been full of perfect moments.

I look at you differently since the birth of our children, you are, without doubt, the best Father I could ask for. You love them both and make them both so happy. With Siena, you’re delicate and gentle. With Tristan, you’re crazy and wild. He looks up to you so much and you’re forming a role model I’d be proud for him follow. You work so hard to give them a better life and yet come home and completely focus your attention on pleasing them.

You’re hands on – in every meaning of the phrase! You change nappies, bath babies, wash the dishes, Hoover, iron, clean, change bedding – the list is endless (as you know). You do it all and you only moan every once in a while. Now, I’m not saying that you do all the work – I hope
You’d admit that I definitely share in the effort but I know from others that it’s still rare to find a man who cares about these things. You do and I can admit that I’m lucky.

You’re thoughtful – you consider me in most decisions you make without me. Sometimes you overthink things which leads you to get it wrong…sometimes you get it so wrong I could either murder you or laugh hysterically. Like the time you ordered a Moonpig card because you were so sick of my moaning about your last minute dash to Sainsbury’s. You forgot to edit it so our Valentines card is made out to Claire and Andy. Or the time you bought me a DKNY watch which was the ‘blingiest’ thing I’ve ever laid eyes on because you thought I’d appreciate owning something different to my usual taste (there’s a reason I never buy jewellery and wanted a small diamond, I HATE the bling). Sometimes you get it so wrong that in the 1st instance I feel as though you don’t know me at all…then I take a step back and can see how amazing it is that you’ve done it at all.

These days, our life is so busy that it would be so wrong of me to ask for the ‘big gestures’. I have to realise that there’s still evidence that you love me in all the little things you do. You now insist I put my phone down for at least an hour each night, we might do nothing other than sit and stare at the TV in this time but I know you ask me to because you want to relax – with me, not on your own. You stop off on your way home from work to buy my favourite treats, unprompted, unasked. You spend hungover days traipsing around farms and country walks because you want to spend time as a family. You let me have all the lie ins (even though I rarely do a night feed these days, you know I’m still awake just watching our children sleep). You let me have nights out with friends and never moan about being at work then looking after two babies on your own. You push me to buy things for myself, put money aside so I can spoil myself. You make up my cup so all I have to do is add water when I wake up on a morning. You let me have the best looking pieces of food. You cook when I’m too tired (even though we recently just had a bowl of stroganoff sauce because you forgot to make anything to accompany it). You dance like an utter tit to songs on adverts. You do all the jobs I don’t want. Our lives may be constant at the minute – but here we are, still as one, still honouring our vows.

So here’s our promise to each other. Let’s make our 6th year less dramatic. Let’s focus on the babies we have (and plan no more). Let’s find time to laugh with each other. Let’s make more memories. Let’s be boring for a change and ultimately – let’s still be one, still honouring our vows.

Love you x

Can You See Me? 

To the man I call my ‘Husband’.

Life is hard work these days. We shouldn’t have time to argue with each other yet it’s all we seem to do. All I want is to know how to make you smile. It feels like you don’t know how to when you’re around me. I wonder if I ever did make you smile. Then I think back to when we first met, you thought I was hilarious. I haven’t changed so why did the laughter stop? The things I did before that made you smile now just make you annoyed. Now all I feel like is as though you find me pathetic.

I am. I always have been, or at least I’ve always felt that way.

You used to be the one person who idolised me. You’d look at me with amazement, pride that I was yours. I can’t remember the last time you saw me this way. Although, I can’t remember the last time you saw me. I’m here, I’m standing beside you. I’m the one sharing the other side of the sofa, the right side of the bed but you don’t notice me. I’m just in your way.

Our daily exchanges have suddenly became nothing more than business negotiations. How much money have you spent? What time will you be home? Can you put a wash in? Remember about the bins? What’s for tea? Who is bathing the babies? Have you fed the dog? There’s no conversing anymore. I remember when we’d spend all night talking, planning, reading poetry to each other (we really did this, I wasn’t dreaming). Now, I can tell that my voice irritates you. It’s that irritable sound which burns your ears, makes your skin itch. I see you tune out as soon as I start to speak, I see your glances towards the TV, the hint for me to shut up because you’re watching something. I tell you things up to 8 times (and yes I’ve counted) yet still, I mention the name of a friend and am greeted with ‘who’s she?’ I go to tell you again then watch as you glaze back over, I’ve lost your attention.

I start to cry. You get mad at me. I’m too romantic for you, my idea of a relationship is unrealistic and unattainable. You think I want the world, you think I want courtly love. I don’t – I just want to be seen. I want you to look at me, notice when my hair isn’t stained with baby sick. I want you to think that I’m pretty, I don’t want you to think that I’m just ‘fine’. I want you to talk to me, even the big things in your day I only hear about when you’re telling someone else on the phone. I’ve stopped asking now, I know the one word answers are an indication that you can’t be bothered to share. I want you to laugh with me. We used to have so much fun together, you used to enjoy my company. I know that having children had changed our idea of fun, I want you start enjoying them too. They’re only little for such a short time, the mess will vanish soon, the crying will get better.

I want you to be proud of me. I remember the night we delivered Tristan, I remember feeling as though you were proud of me. A year on, now I only disappoint you. I disappoint you when I don’t manage to hoover, when I take our children out for lunch and spend money we don’t have. I disappoint you when I forget to do the things you ask me to, when I get anxious or cry at an advert. I disappoint you when it all gets too much for me, when I show my emotions too much. I don’t know what I can do to make you proud. You’ve never read one of my blogs, I only told you about them a few weeks ago. I’d been so scared to tell you, I knew you’d think I was stupid, wasting my time. Maybe I do expect too much, maybe I just need to feel more confident. Maybe I just need to know how you feel. I think that you still love me – you’ve never been one to say how you’re feeling but I also know that you’re not the kind of person who does something you don’t want to. You must be still here for a reason, I just hope I’m still part of that it. We made vows to each other, vows I hope you still cherish. I hope your heart still belongs to me, I hope you feel differently inside. My heart still belongs to you, I know it always will.